i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
