ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
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Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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