Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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