Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
