ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
