I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
