True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
