You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
