i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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