I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
