People in love make me want to vomit
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
try to milk me bitch
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