I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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