so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
