guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
