Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
