Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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