Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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