Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
