Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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