Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Panties = found
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
