last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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