I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
