Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
