i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
