Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
