I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
