I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My feet surprised me
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