I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
