I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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