Don't make out with my wife yet
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
where are my eyebrows?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
