i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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