just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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