Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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