At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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