dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
