Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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