i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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