you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
