96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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