i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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