Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
