I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
