Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
