i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
