where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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