I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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