I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
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