i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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