i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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