is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
