well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
