I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
