last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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