Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
