Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize