I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
