and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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