apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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