3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
