god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
