Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
